Codependency or why am I unlucky in love?

It’s hard to explain how codependency develops. Im no psychologist nor clinical researcher or anything like that. But after being codependent person for my entire life, and now endlessly attempting to get rid of it – some things became clear to me like never before.

It sure stems from the childhood and constant lack of care and attention from parents, or even worse – constant abuse and humiliation. Everything comes from childhood and strengthens as we grow and reproduce abusive relationships as adults.

I know I have it. I know where it comes from. But that doesnt help.

They say that codependent people must learn to fill the holes inside them by themselves, instead of demanding that others do it. But what that even means?

My life always had one goal: find “The One”, marry him, have kids and then everything will be alright. Everything else was secondary: my job, friends, hobbies, my contribution to the world.

Each time when things with “The One” got ugly, when I realized that he in fact, is not The One at all, but rather some boring, unattractive man, with lots of annoying habits and without magic wand that suppose to make me happy – I ended the relationship quickly, and went on with my mission to find Mr. Right in the next guy.

When The One ended things with me – I could get stuck what felt like forever. The love of my life (it doesnt matter that it was number 127362 love of my life) had left me, together with my happiness and a hope for a better future.

Love is joy and pleasure. When it’s pain, fears and nerves – it’s not love, it’s dependency. (Mikhail Lobkovsky)

I realized that my life had never had other meaning than finding a soulmate who is suppose to save me from myself. I also realized that life doesnt work that way. It’s when I find my own meaning in life – then the right person will appear and join me on my path.

It’s hard to find that meaning. It’s hard to start listening to myself and understand my needs and desires. It’s hard to define my values after decades of ignoring them. My mind is not used to imagine the life without a man. It’s unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and it’s scary. It always wants to come back to the so well-known, sad song of looking for love and never finding it.

And when it gets a chance, when someone pays attention to me, gives gifts and shows love – my mind quickly comes back to a safe place of not taking responsibility for my life and happiness and gladly hands it over to yet another Mr. Right.

I do not want to live like that anymore. I dont want to rely on other people for my happiness and have my world shattered when they leave. I dont want to see the meaning of my whole life in one single person.

I’ve decided to appoint myself as the CEO of my happiness. I’ve decided to find my own meaning. Or rather, to finally hear myself for what that meaning is. It’s scary as hell. I’ve been avoiding any smallest responsibility for so long… I wanna run to someone’s hugs to feel safe and to never have to deal with life on my own again. But I know I cant. I cant, because I have no one to run to. I cant, because no other human being was born with the obligation to be there for me.

It’s just me. For myself. And with myself.

I dont know if I can do it. But there is no other option than to try…

You save yourself or you remain unsaved (Alice Sebold , Lucky)

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When life doesn’t go our way

Before the age of 28 my life was always going my way. Sometimes longer than I expected, sometimes with detours and obstacles, but in the end it always, always! delivered what I wanted. Boys, work, friends, hobbies, parties. Everything was going my way, and in fact, I didnt even care that much whether it will go that way or not.

At 28 I blindly fell in love. I had my heart broken into million pieces. For the first time my life didnt want to go as I wanted it to go, no matter how much I tried and cried.

I thought that if two people are immensely attracted to each other, have same interests and understanding of the universe – there is nothing that can stop it. There is nothing that this love cant fight and overcome. This kind of relationship must end with “happily ever after”.

But it didnt. Instead, it ended in a lot of pain, drama, and devastation.

I couldnt accept the truth that it’s over for more than 4 years. I couldnt shake off the idea of getting in touch, trying to pick up where we left off, only to find out that, indeed, some things cannot be fixed. Some things have too many pieces lying around, and no glue can ever stick them together so that they look as before.

Slowly this refusal of the reality put me into deep depression.

I thought that my happiness had run away with the love of my life. I thought that if it didnt go as I wanted – that means im gonna suffer forever. Until he comes back and finally fills the place I had for him in my image of Paradise.

But he didnt. My depression was getting worse. I was losing any interest in life and people around me. I started to get sick often. I literally watched how life is leaving my body…

And then I started to think of my mom who ended up exactly where I was heading to. I still dont know the reasons why she ended up like that, and I will never know. But something inside me moved – I dont want to end up the same. Isolated, scared of the world, with no desire to make a smallest effort.

I started to think of all the homeless and mad people. The triggers might have been different for all of them, but the reason for living the life as they live it is one: they couldnt find the meaning in their daily actions. Even showering is way too big effort for them. What is going to change if they shower? Nothing. They will still be living in streets and have dull, meaningless life, but a bit cleaner. So what’s the point?

At that moment I realized that Im heading that same direction, and if I keep up, it’s just the matter of time when I’ll end up the same. And that was the moment that started changing everything.

No big epiphany. No enlightenment or immense feeling of love. No ashram and meditation revelations.

Just a plain and boring decision not to end up in a dark world of isolation and bitterness, haunted by endless illnesses, phobias and fear of life.

Maybe my life doesnt always go my way. Maybe it never will. Maybe I will reach my goals, maybe not. Maybe I will love again, maybe not.

But that’s not a reason to give up on life. When one door closes, the Universe makes sure that the different one opens, but we dont see it, because that different door doesnt look like something we had in mind. But that doesnt mean it’s bad. It doesnt mean that God abandoned us and we are just handed shit sandwiches instead of the life of our dreams.

It just means that our mind cant possibly imagine all the amazing outcomes when we open that different door. It thinks that it will be worse than the old door. It thinks there might be danger, sadness, no happiness. So it ignores the new door and keeps staring at the place where some time ago there was a door, but which was closed and concreted with no option for return.

Life is not suppose to go our way. We are suppose to go where our life leads us. Sure we should have our dreams and goals, but we have to learn to release the tight grasp and let the magic happen.

When I let go of the idea that I can be happy only with my ex love, I suddenly realized how many amazing friends I have, which I ignored before and missed on so many possible beautiful evenings with them.

I realized I want to grow professionally. I can travel alone.

I came back to my long forgotten hobbies, favourite foods and lovely summer walks in my beautiful city’s streets.

I am free. Free to make my own choices. Free to spend my time as I want. Free to find or choose the purpose of my life and see the meaning as I want it to see.

Nobody else can do it for me. I have a free will, and that free will lies in how I choose to perceive life. And nobody can take it away from or force it on me.

And that is that inner power everyone talks about. And that is the road out of depression and into the light.

Maybe there isn’t any purpose

I love Paulo Coelho. I love him, because he takes the most unconventional, shameful or “the least attention deserving” life story, and describes it in the most romantic and charming way. After reading his books, you just can’t remain the same.

Prostitution, suicide attempt, seeking connection with the Universe in a weirdest way, irresponsible pursuit of happiness – behaviors, so strongly judged by the society, are shown from a totally different perspective. The author opens the door and gives a glimpse of a dream world – the world, not measured by standards, stereotypes and templates.

Apparently, the prostitutes also have feelings. Mental hospitals’ patients are not always mad. All those people we think are worse than us – are actually absolutely the same as we are, who are seeking the same things as we do, but who have the courage to do it in a more radical way.

All humans across the globe, from continent to continent, from a homeless to president, no matter the age, social status, health conditions, wealth – all are fighting the same battle: finding meaning and happiness in their day-to-day actions.

But maybe there won’t be any meaning revealed to us. Maybe we didnt come here to find happiness. Maybe we dont need to achieve anything. Maybe we are not supposed to create something great and solve any current humanity problems. Maybe we didnt even come here to find love.

Maybe we came here to understand our nature. Destroy all standards despite the fear of being judged. Maybe we came here to understand that we have been seeking love in all the wrong forms and places.

I dont think I have a purpose. I think, all I want is to seek the truth. I want to see the world for what it is and not through the lenses of upbringing and advertisement. I want to break free from the shackles that keep my soul in prison.

I want to find out what am I capable of if Im not held by the fear of being rejected.

Emptiness

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It is one of those lonely nights. When I feel disconnected from the whole world and nothing seems to make sense.

I’ve been truly holding up. I’ve been doing my best. I’ve been trying to find joy, to feel happy and to love someone. I honestly tried to connect.

But I cant. And I dont know whether it’s gonna end. I dont know why some people are able to enjoy their life and I dont. I dont know whether I have some mental problems Im not aware of, and my life is just doomed to be a plain unhappy existence.

I dont have a partner. I dont have close friends. I dont talk to my family on the topics I would like to talk about.

I am alone with Gods and the Universe. Im not interested in going out, taking trips, achieving goals. I dont have power to get out of my flat. I dont see the point of getting out of my flat.

Millions of books, articles, programs. Thousands of money. Talks. Attempts. Goals. Following up. Giving up. Back to depression.

Im afraid to admit to myself that the only time I felt alive was with the love of my life. Not before, not since then. I’ve never felt this way again.

I dont want to see the purpose of life only in romantic partner. But why, God why, cant I feel the same joy and happiness on my own?

God, you know I’ve tried. I really did. But nothing worked. My darkness is consuming me. My pain does not want to go away.

Why can’t I feel alive again? Does my life stop here? Does it make sense to go anywhere else?

I cant stand this hole inside me any longer. Nothing can fill it up. Nothing can mend it. I do not see any hope.

It seems that giving up is the only hope I have…