It’s hard to explain how codependency develops. Im no psychologist nor clinical researcher or anything like that. But after being codependent person for my entire life, and now endlessly attempting to get rid of it – some things became clear to me like never before.
It sure stems from the childhood and constant lack of care and attention from parents, or even worse – constant abuse and humiliation. Everything comes from childhood and strengthens as we grow and reproduce abusive relationships as adults.
I know I have it. I know where it comes from. But that doesnt help.
They say that codependent people must learn to fill the holes inside them by themselves, instead of demanding that others do it. But what that even means?
My life always had one goal: find “The One”, marry him, have kids and then everything will be alright. Everything else was secondary: my job, friends, hobbies, my contribution to the world.
Each time when things with “The One” got ugly, when I realized that he in fact, is not The One at all, but rather some boring, unattractive man, with lots of annoying habits and without magic wand that suppose to make me happy – I ended the relationship quickly, and went on with my mission to find Mr. Right in the next guy.
When The One ended things with me – I could get stuck what felt like forever. The love of my life (it doesnt matter that it was number 127362 love of my life) had left me, together with my happiness and a hope for a better future.
Love is joy and pleasure. When it’s pain, fears and nerves – it’s not love, it’s dependency. (Mikhail Lobkovsky)
I realized that my life had never had other meaning than finding a soulmate who is suppose to save me from myself. I also realized that life doesnt work that way. It’s when I find my own meaning in life – then the right person will appear and join me on my path.
It’s hard to find that meaning. It’s hard to start listening to myself and understand my needs and desires. It’s hard to define my values after decades of ignoring them. My mind is not used to imagine the life without a man. It’s unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and it’s scary. It always wants to come back to the so well-known, sad song of looking for love and never finding it.
And when it gets a chance, when someone pays attention to me, gives gifts and shows love – my mind quickly comes back to a safe place of not taking responsibility for my life and happiness and gladly hands it over to yet another Mr. Right.
I do not want to live like that anymore. I dont want to rely on other people for my happiness and have my world shattered when they leave. I dont want to see the meaning of my whole life in one single person.
I’ve decided to appoint myself as the CEO of my happiness. I’ve decided to find my own meaning. Or rather, to finally hear myself for what that meaning is. It’s scary as hell. I’ve been avoiding any smallest responsibility for so long… I wanna run to someone’s hugs to feel safe and to never have to deal with life on my own again. But I know I cant. I cant, because I have no one to run to. I cant, because no other human being was born with the obligation to be there for me.
It’s just me. For myself. And with myself.
I dont know if I can do it. But there is no other option than to try…
You save yourself or you remain unsaved (Alice Sebold , Lucky)